currying ur favrs

the phrase "curry favor" holds a special place in my heart, harking me back to a very specific era of my years in nyc. It was during the fall after 9/11, during the time where we all felt the party had ended permanently, and it was no longer ok to laugh anymore. anthrax was all up in our shit at this time as well, it even infiltrated (false alarm) where I was working at the time, Martha Stewart Omnimedia. it was a time where everything felt too sacred, too serious, and too tragic, for there to be room to laugh.

During this time, I went to see a comedic film festival that featured, among many talented others, Janeane Garofalo (though it was absolutely Patrice who brought the house DOWN with his brooklyn-anthrax shtick). Janeane's routine included a riff on broads who think thongs belong outside their pants, to "curry favor" from the male sex. sometimes these things stay with me, and I think it has more to do with the sudden surprise of laughter that night than the actual joke.

with this black and rainy cloud hanging over my head this week, I still manage to smile and laugh, because I have to if I want to survive. and so I write things that maybe make me laugh, but not always my intended audience.

as follows is my first and only draft for Stuff White People Like which I've decided will never be edited. it's time to let go of that particular dream, so I'm posting it for the world to mock, so I may finally be free of the failure. Clearly, I had a hard time with making things that are funny to ppl in wheelchairs funny to ppl who are not, which was prolly a big indication of where I was at in my recovery -- the place where it feels just so obvious and normal that you forget that you're in a very exclusive minority that most people cannot in any way relate to. so gimps out there will likely enjoy this, and the able-bodied will scratch their heads and wonder if it's okay to laugh. and the answer is yes. always.

stuff white peeps like: special edition
a guide to using white guilt to curry favors

The wheelchair user holds a special place in white people culture. It is one that is generally grossly misunderstood and open to all sorts of etiquette blunders that mean opportunities to curry favor if you happen to be a wheelchair user yourself. Having a friend who uses a wheelchair is important to white people because it shows they are not only sensitive to the needs of the disabled, but it enables them to feel like they are doing a good deed each time they interact with you. White people generally center their view of the disabled based upon the Tiny Tim model, the myth that all people in wheelchairs are heroic for doing the most mundane things. So you ask, how can I use this to my advantage? It won't take long to get the hang of it: White people like to use humor in situations where they are unsure of the proscribed way to act. Since most white people watch "Curb Your Enthusiasm", you can expect comments like "don't you need a license for that thing?!" or "hey! that thing really gets the lead out!" or "watch for the speed trap!" or sometimes will even make vroom-vroom noises as you wheel by on your way to picking up a quart of milk. Do not take the bait here and react with anger. Instead, stop whatever you are doing, and ask them in a befuddled quizzical manner "um, were you speaking to me?" and look around like it must have been meant for someone else. This will cause your white person to turn red and start to stammer, because they will have no idea what to say to you and may even have difficulty looking at you.

let the uncomfortable stammering continue for just long enough that they start trying to shuffle away, and at that moment, ask them to help you reach something, and then proceed to make them carry your groceries and assist you for the duration of the trip. they may even ask to pay for said groceries, as they will assume you are unemployed, indigent, and live in a nursing home.

there are some caveats to white people society that you should be aware of before embarking on a relationship. typically you will be invited to a dinner party where the host will quickly realize that you will be 'in the way'. likely you will be tucked away at the table while everyone stands and mingles. the key here is selective eye contact: because they are standing and you are marooned in the corner somewhere, white people will innately feel bad for you and wonder about how sad and difficult your life is since you are unable to fully participate in their conversations about vintage t-shirts and why analog is so much better than digital. once they realize this, they will feel guilty and stare in your direction. KEEP YOUR EYES FORWARD unless you are certain this is a person you can either stand talking to or will be able to curry favor from. only make eye contact for the following reasons: you are out of either wine or hors d' oeuvres. otherwise the white person will be overcome with guilt for having stared at you that they will feel compelled to talk to you at length about how inspirational you are to be there.

Conversation with white people is very tricky, and you will not want to attempt this without knowing the type of logic you will encounter. At a dinner party, there will likely be conversation that revolves around their attempts to save/better the world by the following: shopping at whole foods, owning a hybrid car, and watching socially conscious films. Once the topic of "murderball' has been covered (note: the whiteperson who has seen this movie is highly evolved, proceed with caution as they will have gleaned their knowledge from the film and will feel very strongly that those portrayals are accurate. an outright declaration that they are biased will cause the white person great embarrassment and they will not be apt to do favors for you if this happens.), they will next bring up 'million dollar baby' and look to you to provide insight. this is a very dicey situation, as clint eastwood holds a very special status in white culture, and you will also be countering their interpretation of the 'film' from being a metaphor to go out fighting, to being a film about death being preferable to disability. I do not recommend you argue this point, as you will embarrass white people in the process by pointing out their ignorance, which will lead them to mark you as bitter instead of inspirational. This is social suicide in white culture people, so talk about how wise morgan freeman is or how great hilary swank was as a man. Very few crips have battled back successfully into white culture after losing their inspirational status. Rosie O'Donnell lost the heart of the midwest when she went "angry gay" instead of "fun gay", and look what those bitches on the View did to her! social suicide people!!!

there are aspects to your interactions with white people that can be downright fun with a small amount of improvisation or advanced preparation. white people will often be curious about why you are using a wheelchair and will rudely ask you "what happened to you?" with very wide, worried eyes. if you get angry and say something to the effect that it is none of their business, or counter with "what happened to all your hair baldy?", you will be reinforcing that all people in wheelchairs are bitter and nasty. they will not understand that the wheelchair functions the way glasses do: a sometimes annoying but nevertheless essential tool you use to do the things you wish and live your life. instead, use this opportunity to educate white people that wheelchair users aren't sickly invalids, but are in fact ardent risk takers who have found ways to do the seemingly impossible. Even if what happened to you could have happened to anyone, like say a car accident, use this as an opportunity to show your superiority which will secure future favors and worship. Bonus points for incorporating topics white people status symbols. for instance, you were backpacking through europe after graduating from *ivy league university or boarding school* and you were robbed and shot by a band of gypsies. or you were in the peace corp creating third world irrigation systems when the tsunami hit. attacked by a herd of water buffalo while on african safari. white people are too worried that this could happen to them, and will be nervous to be talking to you, and as such will believe anything you say. if you have previously been labeled bitter, you're going to need to drop a bomb of stuff white people like if you've got a chance at becoming inspirational again and be able to curry favors.

Most white people will also assume that the disabled are indigent and unable to work, unless it involves something like transcription, radio, or dispatcher. some will assume that you are filthy rich because you had a good lawyer, but most will assume you are either unemployed or work from home as an accountant. again, this is a great opportunity to gain favors for being inspirational, but only if you assure them that your employer was forced to accommodate you in huge and expensive ways that you had to fight for alongside your attorney. white people will be disappointed if this is not the case, or if you're not using your wheelchair to fight for social injustices, presumably with the help of lawyers. this is a very tricky situation, because if your work is at all mundane or doesn't require heroic accommodations and lawsuits, they will assume you got the job because of your disability or you are not being truthful with yourself as to what your capabilities are. my advice is to go with an answer than will confound and awe the white person, such as whitewater canoe guide, or everest sherpa. trust me, you will not be questioned.